EMDR Thearpy

I haven't felt like writing in a while and I believe it's because I am getting more and more depressed. But I felt like I would like to know about this in the furture. So today I am going to be doing EMDR therapy for the first time. I'm extremely nervous about. I do and don't want to do it. If anyone happens to read this and doesn't know what EMDR is, here is a video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZ5MLn1Cc94

If I continue to do this therapy I am going to want to keep a log of how its progressing. I'm going to write it, but I may also video record me talking about it. I don't know yet. 

These past few days have been very tedious on my brain. I keep doing things never wanting to relax. My brain constently feels like it needs to think, think, think, I'm still taking my Adderall so I don't know why I am like this. There is so much that I want to do that I keep up with it. I keep finding new things to do or research and I'm afraid I won't get what I need done actually done. 

My heart has been stolen.

I've noticed I'm starting to get depressed. I feel awful. Each day that passes I'm hating Eric more and more. I have no idea what he is going through, so I can't say he did it to me on purpose. I can't stop thinking about everything else though. I hate him because of how much he hurt me, but I feel so bad that he lets his emotions rule him. Him not wanting to control his anger is what makes me hate him so much. I love him, but I will never be able to love him the way I did before.

I'm beginning to feel I meant nothing to him. He never opened up to me before so what makes me think he will now. Especially since we aren't even together. I just want to forget about him. I'm beginning to feel empty. Like he literally took my heart away from me.

I want out of in-and-out of your life

I guess I finally realized why I was able to wake up everyday not depressed out of my mind. After Eric said it was over I realized that he really didn't love me. That the things he did to me were not acceptable. I was then able to move on because I was losing something that was more bad for me than good.

When he told me on Thanksgiving that his Dad died, I did feel bad, but I also felt like he didn't deserve my love anymore. The only thing was that I did in fact still love him. I just could not stop caring about the emotional pain he would be going through.

He was happy to hear I still cared. I was happy to hear that I was still wanted. I told him I was there for him if he needed anything. From then on things were fine, but he never needed anything. At least not from me anyway. He was with his friend Josh for a while and his family was there to help. Me and Eric should have an even deeper connection, but he never needed me.

He keeps telling me he is afraid he will want to get back together. I can understand that, but why would he tell me about what happened and not expect me to still care about him. He doesn't know if he needs me in his life.

I let my guard down again for him. I did it to be there for him because he came to me. I opened my arms up to him. I am only left unrequited and hurt.

I'm so confused about what to do and how to feel. He is going through a hard time right now. It hurts he can't come to me for comfort and support.

I really should just forget about him. I guess...

Love...defined.

I hate him so much, but I still care about him. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just hate him and forget about his pain and his hurt. He has caused me so much pain, so why should I care about his? The people you love the most are always going to be the ones who hurt you the most. This logic never seemed right to me. If someone you love hurts you the most then why would you love them? Or if they love you why would they hurt you? I learned that it is because they mean so much more to you. It hurts more if he were to say, "I hate you," than it would if a complete stranger said it to me. We put so much value into their words and actions that it has more affect on us. If a stranger walked up to me and said, "I hate you," my reaction would probably be somewhere along the lines of confusion and say, "What the heck?" I may even let out a laugh after it was over. In the end I would move on with my day and have something interesting to post on facebook. It's completely different with a significant other. If he walked up to me and said, "I hate you," I'd still be a little confused, especially if it was random, but bothered no doubt. I would more than likely ask, "Why would you say that?" It hurts when someone you love says hateful words. You put so much time, effort, love, compassion, care, and affection into to that person for them to just turn around and punch you in the face(figuratively speaking). The stranger has no affect on you because you don't know them and they don't know you. Why would you care about what they would have to say? Their opinion holds no value. The example may seem far stretched, but even if it wasn't a stranger. Maybe it was my sister. I still love and care about her, but it's on a completely different level. You can love your mom, your sister, friends, and significant other, but you don't love your mom or sister like you love your significant other. It's just like the saying, "I love you like a brother." The closer someone is to us the more accuracy they have on stabbing our hearts. The more deeper and fatal the wound will be.

Why would I continue to love him, if he is so mean to me? It's because I already fell in love with him in the beginning. He didn't do hurtful things then or else I wouldn't have fallen in love. I fell in love with the good. Just like anyone else the faults(or things we aren't sure other people are going to accept) slowly start to show. Over time while we get to know each other we also unintentionally hurt each other. In the end the person I know now is no longer the person I fell in love with. In my eyes he has changed into another person, but inside I know he still has that good in him. Love, like all emotions, can not be stopped. I can not stop my love for him, but I can attempt to control it. You just can't choose to stop loving someone. Love, real love, will never go away. Because I love him, I am willing to deal with the pain. It's really not fair to fall in love with someone before you even find out how much they are capable of hurting you. Once you love you can't turn back. That's the thing that sucks about love. It's a horrible trap. Most people forget that love is unconditional and forgiving. There is no fine print. No Terms & Conditions you can agree to ahead of time. If you love someone then you love that person no matter what.

Even though he has hurt me so much I still know he is capable of loving me. I've felt his love before. I think that if someone capable of hurting you loves you, then they wouldn't continually do it. The more someone hurts you the more cuts and bruises you get that can only heal over time. If you get hurt too soon, it will only open old wounds. Leaving you with scars. A relationship cannot heal if only one person is doing the mending. It will never work if the other person doesn't help too. I can clean and bandage my wounds, but what good does it do when I keep getting cut open again. I choose to deal with the pain because I love him. I must accept that it is not worth it. If he is unwilling to actually do something to help then my love is being wasted. My time is being wasted. I'm only going to get misery. I will never be able to heal until I stop letting him hurt me. I really shouldn't even talk to him for my sake, but I care about how he is feeling.

I have never stopped loving him. No matter what he has done I have forgiven him. I need to make myself priority and start loving me. What I go through is not good for me. I have to start taking care of myself. I know I do, but I'd feel selfish if I stopped being there for him so I could heal. I know what to do, I know what I want to do, but it feels wrong.

Bad memory or repressed memory?

Initial mood: confused

I can't handle it. I'm remembering things I have no idea why they were forgotten. These past few days I've been learning about my past like it was a book I never read before. I was talking to my sister about trying to come up with a list of traumatic events that have happened in my life. The only thing I knew was that my dad hurt me and my past relationships hurt me, emensely. I just couldn't remember why. Why did I feel that way? Things happened, but why can't I remember anything. My sister said she had no problem remembering things dad did to us. She was spouting off events without a moment to think about the details. Four out of five of them I don't remember happenning. Even things that dad has directly said or done to me, my sister could tell the story better than I could.

I said before that it's hard for me to see the bad in people. Maybe that's why I can't remember. I always knew that despite how bad I felt and depressed I was, I couldn't say I was abused. I felt like it wasn't true. Sure my dad yelled, but claiming someone is an abuser? Again, despite how I felt I didn't think it was bad enough to call it abuse. I remember my sister calling the cops on my dad when we were kids. She never had a problem with identifying it. Why did I? I hated how he yelled and made me feel stupid.

Maybe it's not that I can't see the bad, but that I've always had a tolerance for it. My dad was in my life until I was 17, when I got the guts to not come back from a visit at mom's. For 17 years, maybe while I was still in the womb too, I lived and breathed seeing the way my dad behaved. I can remember being scared to death of him sometimes. No matter how hard I try I can't match that feeling with the causing event. I remember some things happening, but I don't remember how I felt then. My dad threatened me and my sister to spank us with a 2 by 4 of plywood. I can imagine that I would have been scared, but I don't actually remember the feelings at that time.

I grew up seeing and hearing my dad do and say things that terrified me. I must have gotten so used to it that I can't recognize it anymore.

My sister always stood up for me when dad was being mean. For as long as I can remember she has been able to stand up to dad. I always sat still and endured the yelling while I cried. I wish I could have then looked at my dad and tell him to back the fuck off. When he would yell I'd curl up, cover my face with my hair, and try not to listen to the shit he would say. It was torture. Listening to the things he would say made my soul hurt. I always wanted to cover my ears, but I knew if I did something bad would happen. More yelling. Grabbing my arms away from my ears. Who knew? I just didn't want it. I felt stuck because of fear.

I found a box of letters, cards, and notes from friends today. I was organizing it and getting rid of cards from my step mom's side of the family. I found a note from a friend. We were talking about this short story my sister wrote based off a relationship I had. I couldn't remember what it was about. I talked about it in the note, but I can not remember ever reading it. I still have the story so I grabbed it. I saw the title and did confirm that I remembered it was called "HE." I read the whole thing like I never read it before. The story explains how the boyfriend hurt me and drove the sister to murder him for causing me pain. I remember everything that he did, but not the pain I felt. I recall reading the breakup email and crying. I know my journal at that time explains me being angry, hurt, and depressed. I remember laying in bed listening to music until I fell asleep. I've just forgotten the emotions. When I read "HE" I thought the plot to murder him was disproportionate to what he did. At least that is what I think now, but it could have been different at the time. Again, I don't know and it drives me crazy.

The more and more I think about the events my sister described the more and more it begins to ring a bell. I found a card from a Rick and Chris. I picked it up looking at the card and the names multiple times. By the 14th time I finally remembered. "Oh yeah! Rick and Chris! My godparents!" I remembered everything. The card became familiar again and the location where I received it popped in my brain. Then I could see their faces.

While I was going through the notes I received from friends in school, I read a few. I was shocked at how many different people there were and many said, "luv ya," at the end. I don't remember being that "loved" in school. I was such a loner, kept to myself, and hardly spoke to others unless they talked to me first. So how on earth did I get these notes? I even had some from my cousin who expressed how much she loved me and I was the best cousin she had. Even talking about coming over to each others house. When was I ever this close to my cousin?

My biggest question is: Why have I forgotten my whole life?! Maybe my brain is failing. Or just plain FUBAR!

Mood: anxious, excited, tired, worriesome, chilled.

Let it go...

It reminded me of Tesla puppy. It was a small stuffed dog with bunny ears. Eric got it for me for easter because it looked like Tesla. Soon it will be a year since Tesla died. The best dog ever. He was mine. I took him home from the animal shelter.

 I was going through stuff and asking myself if I really wanted to keep it. Part of me does and part of me doesn't. I want to get rid of it because Eric got it for me, but also I want to keep for that reason. I want to keep it because it reminds me of Tesla, but I also want to get rid of it for the same reason too. That's ironic. They are both something that is no longer with me, so it hurts to be reminded of them.

What hurts the most is that Tesla is gone. He was still a puppy although you wouldn't have guessed it by his size. He was a German Shepard - Doberman Pincher mix. My two favorite dogs. He was so playful, well behaved, and sweet. I really miss him. I wanted to keep that dog forever.

Ever since he died, I've been wanting to get another dog. They are such great animals. The problem is I really don't think I could afford another one, especially since I have Desmond. Taking care of a dog on top of a one year old would be hard. The main thing stopping me is my mother. She liked Tesla, but she doesn't want another animal in the house. She has two cats and there is always cat hair EVERYWHERE.

So keep the stuffed animal or get rid of it? You are supposed to let go of something because it causes pain. He was such a good dog. I don't want to forget about him. I guess it has more to do with it looking like Tesla than it being a gift from Eric.

I still have these roses I hung up and dried out that he gave me. I don't want them anymore, but I can't bare to see them getting crumbled in the trash.

Maybe I could take the bunny ears off the dog and just let it remind me of Tesla. But then I would feel bad for cutting up and manipulating a gift that was given to me. I know Eric wouldn't give a rats ass what I did with it. Well, maybe if he found out that I threw it away, he would be upset that I got rid of it. Then again I really don't know what he is feeling about us. When I got my xbox back from him, he seemed mad at me. I left him alone, only texted if I thought I left something with him, but he seems mad at me. I know that we both agreed on what happened that night. It was small and stupid, but it pushed him over the edge. So why would he be mad at me? I should be the one furious with him. I want to be, but I can't. I didn't intentionally do anything, just got my feelings upset. That's not wrong. I need more confidence what I say that.

When he asked me what was wrong that night, he was asking because he was curious not because he cared. He had a pretty good idea what was wrong, but he asked anyway. My therapist said that, "If he didn't want to know the answer then he shouldn't have asked." When she told me that I felt a little better about everything. I keep putting on these glasses that won't let me see the bad in people. I need to realize that when I hurt because of the person Im with it's because they are actually hurting me.

I have realized that someone has been hurting me for a long time. The wounds that my heart has endured will take a long time to heal. I want to cry, but I can't. What is wrong with me? I used to cry all the freaking time!

I'm too tired to think about crying. It's almost 4am and I have to get to my sister's house at a decent time so I can cook. We eat at two, but still. I have to:

1. get me ready
2. get my son ready
3. wrap my grandma's gift
4. find a dish to bake in
5. try not to be OCD and clean my room before I leave
6. get documentary equipment a.k.a. camera

I guess I could always get ready what I can now....like:

1. pick out my clothes
2. pick out Desmond's clothes
3. pack up the diaper bag
4. find the dish
5. sign card and wrap gift
6. charge camera
7. pack everything up next to the door
8. oh yeah, I should probably set an alarm too

I'm tired and I have ALL this crap to do!? seesh goodnight! I hope tomorrow doesn't suck.

What's up with thanksgiving?

I want you out of my mind. I was at walmart with my son and I saw a christmas gift set of the favorite axe you wear. I went from having a smile, enjoying looking at the christmas merchandise, to complete despair. I continued to look around for a gift for my grandma's birthday. A tall black guy walked in my aisle looking, around sort of talking out loud to himself. He started to ask me for advice about a gift for his 15 month old daughter. I thought it was ironic because my son is 15 months old too. I told him that and what my son likes to do. I suggested he go to the toy department because it's organized by age. He started to say how he doesn't really walmart shop. I'm not good with social situations, but I've noticed that I am more eager to talk since I've been taking Adderall. We ended up talking for a while. Thats never happened to me before. Just meeting someone randomly and talking for a great length of time, saying stuff about each other to a complete stranger. Not that its bad, it's just never ever ever happened to me before. I ran into a friend I had in high school. He said hi and I found out that he works there now. I never thought a trip to walmart could be so social. Thats one of the things I don't really get to do...at all. I just wanted yams.

I hope tomorrow doesn't suck. Thanksgiving is at my sister's apartment this year which will be interesting. We always had it at my mom's house. My paternal grandparents are even coming down with my mom being there too. That's never happened. Thanksgiving used to something I looked forward to, but that was before my parents divorced. My dad got remarried and that pretty much destroyed all the traditions we had for thanksgiving and christmas. Every year things got more and more different. New people at the table meant conversations were awkward. Things we always joked about was no longer fun. More people at the table meant no room for me. I didn't want to be at the same table as my step mom anyway. At least I still had my grandmas great cooking. Then when my grandparents moved Thanksgiving was no longer at their house. Strange people, location change, environment change, and now weird food.

I know my grandparents have been around my mom before, but I kind of don't want my mom to be there. I know it's mean to say. I just don't want to see my mom put on that fake personality that she does when there is company.