Let it go...

It reminded me of Tesla puppy. It was a small stuffed dog with bunny ears. Eric got it for me for easter because it looked like Tesla. Soon it will be a year since Tesla died. The best dog ever. He was mine. I took him home from the animal shelter.

 I was going through stuff and asking myself if I really wanted to keep it. Part of me does and part of me doesn't. I want to get rid of it because Eric got it for me, but also I want to keep for that reason. I want to keep it because it reminds me of Tesla, but I also want to get rid of it for the same reason too. That's ironic. They are both something that is no longer with me, so it hurts to be reminded of them.

What hurts the most is that Tesla is gone. He was still a puppy although you wouldn't have guessed it by his size. He was a German Shepard - Doberman Pincher mix. My two favorite dogs. He was so playful, well behaved, and sweet. I really miss him. I wanted to keep that dog forever.

Ever since he died, I've been wanting to get another dog. They are such great animals. The problem is I really don't think I could afford another one, especially since I have Desmond. Taking care of a dog on top of a one year old would be hard. The main thing stopping me is my mother. She liked Tesla, but she doesn't want another animal in the house. She has two cats and there is always cat hair EVERYWHERE.

So keep the stuffed animal or get rid of it? You are supposed to let go of something because it causes pain. He was such a good dog. I don't want to forget about him. I guess it has more to do with it looking like Tesla than it being a gift from Eric.

I still have these roses I hung up and dried out that he gave me. I don't want them anymore, but I can't bare to see them getting crumbled in the trash.

Maybe I could take the bunny ears off the dog and just let it remind me of Tesla. But then I would feel bad for cutting up and manipulating a gift that was given to me. I know Eric wouldn't give a rats ass what I did with it. Well, maybe if he found out that I threw it away, he would be upset that I got rid of it. Then again I really don't know what he is feeling about us. When I got my xbox back from him, he seemed mad at me. I left him alone, only texted if I thought I left something with him, but he seems mad at me. I know that we both agreed on what happened that night. It was small and stupid, but it pushed him over the edge. So why would he be mad at me? I should be the one furious with him. I want to be, but I can't. I didn't intentionally do anything, just got my feelings upset. That's not wrong. I need more confidence what I say that.

When he asked me what was wrong that night, he was asking because he was curious not because he cared. He had a pretty good idea what was wrong, but he asked anyway. My therapist said that, "If he didn't want to know the answer then he shouldn't have asked." When she told me that I felt a little better about everything. I keep putting on these glasses that won't let me see the bad in people. I need to realize that when I hurt because of the person Im with it's because they are actually hurting me.

I have realized that someone has been hurting me for a long time. The wounds that my heart has endured will take a long time to heal. I want to cry, but I can't. What is wrong with me? I used to cry all the freaking time!

I'm too tired to think about crying. It's almost 4am and I have to get to my sister's house at a decent time so I can cook. We eat at two, but still. I have to:

1. get me ready
2. get my son ready
3. wrap my grandma's gift
4. find a dish to bake in
5. try not to be OCD and clean my room before I leave
6. get documentary equipment a.k.a. camera

I guess I could always get ready what I can now....like:

1. pick out my clothes
2. pick out Desmond's clothes
3. pack up the diaper bag
4. find the dish
5. sign card and wrap gift
6. charge camera
7. pack everything up next to the door
8. oh yeah, I should probably set an alarm too

I'm tired and I have ALL this crap to do!? seesh goodnight! I hope tomorrow doesn't suck.

What's up with thanksgiving?

I want you out of my mind. I was at walmart with my son and I saw a christmas gift set of the favorite axe you wear. I went from having a smile, enjoying looking at the christmas merchandise, to complete despair. I continued to look around for a gift for my grandma's birthday. A tall black guy walked in my aisle looking, around sort of talking out loud to himself. He started to ask me for advice about a gift for his 15 month old daughter. I thought it was ironic because my son is 15 months old too. I told him that and what my son likes to do. I suggested he go to the toy department because it's organized by age. He started to say how he doesn't really walmart shop. I'm not good with social situations, but I've noticed that I am more eager to talk since I've been taking Adderall. We ended up talking for a while. Thats never happened to me before. Just meeting someone randomly and talking for a great length of time, saying stuff about each other to a complete stranger. Not that its bad, it's just never ever ever happened to me before. I ran into a friend I had in high school. He said hi and I found out that he works there now. I never thought a trip to walmart could be so social. Thats one of the things I don't really get to do...at all. I just wanted yams.

I hope tomorrow doesn't suck. Thanksgiving is at my sister's apartment this year which will be interesting. We always had it at my mom's house. My paternal grandparents are even coming down with my mom being there too. That's never happened. Thanksgiving used to something I looked forward to, but that was before my parents divorced. My dad got remarried and that pretty much destroyed all the traditions we had for thanksgiving and christmas. Every year things got more and more different. New people at the table meant conversations were awkward. Things we always joked about was no longer fun. More people at the table meant no room for me. I didn't want to be at the same table as my step mom anyway. At least I still had my grandmas great cooking. Then when my grandparents moved Thanksgiving was no longer at their house. Strange people, location change, environment change, and now weird food.

I know my grandparents have been around my mom before, but I kind of don't want my mom to be there. I know it's mean to say. I just don't want to see my mom put on that fake personality that she does when there is company.

You can be better than this.

I began to feel depressed. Listening to music, no matter what it is, reminds me of him. We had a lot of the same interest when it came to music. So every time I hear a song I know he likes it reminds me of how he gave up. Both of the Maynard concerts I went to were with him. So its hard for the two to not be related. Every day that goes by makes me want to hate him even more. I feel sorry for him being that way though. He doesn't realize how anger is affecting his life. He let it get rid of me. It hurt me, many times, over and over. He believes that it is him. That the anger is part of his personality, so he doesn't need to change it. He says that I shouldn't make him mad and because I do we aren't meant to be. I've tried to tell him that its not who you are because its only temporary. You're not changing who you are, but trying to get rid of the negativity. I guess he doesn't believe that anger causes problems. It really sucks because he is going to continue to live life this way. If he is happy now thats great, but I don't see how someone can be happy when anger flares up so much. I know because I used to be that way.

I feel like maybe later down the road he will miss me like he always does. At the same time I don't know what I would do if that situation would arise. I want him to apologize, but I don't think I love him anymore. If he died right now...I can't imagine it, but I think I would be upset about it. I should be. I used to love him.

I couldn't love him after this.

I feel like the bad guy, but why?

My heart hurts. That's really all I can say. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like hitting something. I feel squashed. Like a bug. I'm not that depressed. It's a feeling inside the middle of my chest. I feel it more when I breath. It's like I can't fill up my lungs with enough air. I want to breath in so hard and long hoping I can push out whatever feeling this may be. All my feelings are being compacted into a little ball inside me. Below my stomach, but I want it out. My mind won't let me think about the little details. It won't let me replay all the things that hurt so much. I wish I could just focus on it for a little bit because maybe then I could cry and release this suppressed emotions.

I've been working with math, money, and numbers again. I find it gets my brain off of how much I hurt, but at the same time how much I can't feel it. I feel like I should be crying my eyes out. My mind keeps bringing up the thought of how humiliated and degraded he has mad me feel. I guess normally this would hurt a lot more than what I currently feel. The way he talked to me made me realize that he really is a horrible person to me. Maybe I shouldn't say that because no one is perfect. I know I have done really horrible things too. The only difference is that I want to be better than that. Looking back at all the people I have dated in my life, I really must have this filter that doesn't allow me to see the bad in people. I want to believe that people are good hearted, but I must be really naive to have taken this long to learn that people are more focused on themselves. Why is it so hard to be nice? If I had three wishes I would make everyone honest and considerate. I know I'm a nice person, but I really don't think anyone sees that in me. Maybe I'm not nice. Maybe I'm just a selfless passive people pleaser who just can't accept the fact that people can be mean and are mean.

Off Meds?

So I've been wondering if what I am doing it right? Are meds the right thing for me? Do they change who I really am? Making me not happy with not being able to be myself. Or do they just help with my anger and depression? I don't know what I should do. I feel like this is really affecting my relationship. I sometimes wonder if...I wonder too much. Is he the right guy, he makes me laugh, he is good with my son, he pisses me off so bad, has no since of peace whatsoever. I just want peace, love, and happiness. I don't need to look for it because I know exactly where it is. It's being me and being with my son. Does this mean that this relationship has gone bad? I never know these things anymore.

I want to read, study, be creative, take care of me. I feel I can't do anything without the help of others because no one will help me. I need help with fixing my car but my mom only kicks me out.

I stayed on my mood stabilizers. I think thats a good thing....I think. I'm constantly bitchy, and I can't control it. I hate being that way. I just want to be nice, sweet, and loving. Create peace not war. Maybe I have more than one personality. I got a pulp fiction poster AND a hello kitty poster. WTH? I love them both. I am proud of knowing what I like and I like that. But that is a strange combination indeed. I also found an contradicting combination. My iPad has an assassin's creed skin that I made AND a pink smart cover.

I want to lose weight, but I can't stop eating. I eat when I'm not even hungry. We practically have no food whatsoever in this house, but I manage to eat all the time. I eat a lot of peanut butter toast. A LOT!!!

I'm tired, sad, ashamed, worried, conscious, paranoid, and sick of feeling crazy.

I need to go back to my therapist. I'm just gonna straight up stop bullshitting.

I have no words for my emotions

I have been more irritable than ever this past week. Every little thing around me is bothering me. My son crying, the DVDs on my book shelf not being on the shelf right, and trying to make myself perfect. I can't seem to live with out perfection. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I don't even know where to begin on explaining how I "feel." My boyfriend just told me that if he had what I had he would be able to cope with it how it should be. I got to angry and I wanted to cry. I just don't know what to fucking do anymore. I don't know if how I feel is how I really feel. I don't know much about myself anymore. All I do know is that I'm wasting my life, I'm depressed, and have way too much anxiety. Everyday I want to do something productive, but I never do it. I'm tired. All the time. I really wonder what it's like to be normal.

On a lighter note I got a letter from the Social Security Office about my SSI. I've been to nervous about this. It says "Your disability claim has been medically approved..." They still need a non-medical review to determine if I will be eligible for SSI. If I get this I'm going to have a life. :D :D :D

hmmm

A lot of shit has happened lately. I lost my job. My boyfriend broke up with me AGAIN. We are working on things now. Yesterday was the first day we saw each other in over a week. I wanted to drink cuz I never been to Mardi Gras and didn't go this year. So that was the first time I got drunk since I turned 21 years old. I have been feeling depressed a lot lately. My anxiety has increased causing me to worry about so much. Particularly money. I have my tax return so its not like I don't have any money. I just can't stop thinking about it though.

My OCD has increased too. I have labeled everything there is to be labeled in my room. The only thing I could do is start labeling my belongs. Chair. Computer. Door. Bookshelf. I'm almost considering labeling on my book shelf where the DVDs go and where the books go. I clean my room every half hour. I'm constantly looking for something to purge. I feel like I always have too much stuff. But all my things(that I still have) I love. I feel I have way too many clothes, but every time I look through them I can't seem to find anything to get rid of. I'm so fidgety. Have to be moving some part of my body. Tapping my hand, bouncing my leg, or twitching my foot. It's like I have all this motivation to do stuff but I can't get it out or want to even do anything about it. I want to do something, I don't know what. I'm just so fucking anxious. AAAAhhhhhhh. Here is my closet. A great example of my OCD-ness.

Things I want to do:

- Go tanning. Can't until the warm weather. Can't wait. Got my swim suit ready just need tanning lotion. I live right on a lake with a white sand beach. First time I'll ever tan, so I'm looking forward to it. I got Jergens gradual tan lotion cuz I can't tan quite yet. :D

- Buy the iPad 2. It comes out March 11th at 5pm. I really can't wait for this. I wanted the first one so bad for christmas, but I did some research and decided to wait for this one to come out. This is going to be an excellent companion to my tanning. I haven't decided if I want to order online or go wait in line at a store to get it right away.

- Whiten my teeth. I've never done this either. I got some crest white strips, whitening tooth paste, prewash whitening mouth wash, and I have this Kardashin Smile whitening pen that I got from an online trial. I don't use them all. Half the time I forget to use them at all. I've mainly been using the tooth paste with either the stripes or pen once a day. I've seen a difference already.

- Study, Study, Study. I want to continue studying everyday for my Comptia A+ Certification. I'll prolly get an iBook for the iPad when I get it. More than likely the iPad will be a motivation to read.

- Get a job. I've been applying, but I'm not done yet. Then I need to either visit or call the places I applied. I really hope I get a job at Best Buy Geek Squad, Sephora, or Ulta. Working at an electronics store would be great. Even working apple. Could be fun to be a Genius.

Mmmmmmmm coffee. :D