You can be better than this.

I began to feel depressed. Listening to music, no matter what it is, reminds me of him. We had a lot of the same interest when it came to music. So every time I hear a song I know he likes it reminds me of how he gave up. Both of the Maynard concerts I went to were with him. So its hard for the two to not be related. Every day that goes by makes me want to hate him even more. I feel sorry for him being that way though. He doesn't realize how anger is affecting his life. He let it get rid of me. It hurt me, many times, over and over. He believes that it is him. That the anger is part of his personality, so he doesn't need to change it. He says that I shouldn't make him mad and because I do we aren't meant to be. I've tried to tell him that its not who you are because its only temporary. You're not changing who you are, but trying to get rid of the negativity. I guess he doesn't believe that anger causes problems. It really sucks because he is going to continue to live life this way. If he is happy now thats great, but I don't see how someone can be happy when anger flares up so much. I know because I used to be that way.

I feel like maybe later down the road he will miss me like he always does. At the same time I don't know what I would do if that situation would arise. I want him to apologize, but I don't think I love him anymore. If he died right now...I can't imagine it, but I think I would be upset about it. I should be. I used to love him.

I couldn't love him after this.

I feel like the bad guy, but why?

My heart hurts. That's really all I can say. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like hitting something. I feel squashed. Like a bug. I'm not that depressed. It's a feeling inside the middle of my chest. I feel it more when I breath. It's like I can't fill up my lungs with enough air. I want to breath in so hard and long hoping I can push out whatever feeling this may be. All my feelings are being compacted into a little ball inside me. Below my stomach, but I want it out. My mind won't let me think about the little details. It won't let me replay all the things that hurt so much. I wish I could just focus on it for a little bit because maybe then I could cry and release this suppressed emotions.

I've been working with math, money, and numbers again. I find it gets my brain off of how much I hurt, but at the same time how much I can't feel it. I feel like I should be crying my eyes out. My mind keeps bringing up the thought of how humiliated and degraded he has mad me feel. I guess normally this would hurt a lot more than what I currently feel. The way he talked to me made me realize that he really is a horrible person to me. Maybe I shouldn't say that because no one is perfect. I know I have done really horrible things too. The only difference is that I want to be better than that. Looking back at all the people I have dated in my life, I really must have this filter that doesn't allow me to see the bad in people. I want to believe that people are good hearted, but I must be really naive to have taken this long to learn that people are more focused on themselves. Why is it so hard to be nice? If I had three wishes I would make everyone honest and considerate. I know I'm a nice person, but I really don't think anyone sees that in me. Maybe I'm not nice. Maybe I'm just a selfless passive people pleaser who just can't accept the fact that people can be mean and are mean.

Off Meds?

So I've been wondering if what I am doing it right? Are meds the right thing for me? Do they change who I really am? Making me not happy with not being able to be myself. Or do they just help with my anger and depression? I don't know what I should do. I feel like this is really affecting my relationship. I sometimes wonder if...I wonder too much. Is he the right guy, he makes me laugh, he is good with my son, he pisses me off so bad, has no since of peace whatsoever. I just want peace, love, and happiness. I don't need to look for it because I know exactly where it is. It's being me and being with my son. Does this mean that this relationship has gone bad? I never know these things anymore.

I want to read, study, be creative, take care of me. I feel I can't do anything without the help of others because no one will help me. I need help with fixing my car but my mom only kicks me out.

I stayed on my mood stabilizers. I think thats a good thing....I think. I'm constantly bitchy, and I can't control it. I hate being that way. I just want to be nice, sweet, and loving. Create peace not war. Maybe I have more than one personality. I got a pulp fiction poster AND a hello kitty poster. WTH? I love them both. I am proud of knowing what I like and I like that. But that is a strange combination indeed. I also found an contradicting combination. My iPad has an assassin's creed skin that I made AND a pink smart cover.

I want to lose weight, but I can't stop eating. I eat when I'm not even hungry. We practically have no food whatsoever in this house, but I manage to eat all the time. I eat a lot of peanut butter toast. A LOT!!!

I'm tired, sad, ashamed, worried, conscious, paranoid, and sick of feeling crazy.

I need to go back to my therapist. I'm just gonna straight up stop bullshitting.

I have no words for my emotions

I have been more irritable than ever this past week. Every little thing around me is bothering me. My son crying, the DVDs on my book shelf not being on the shelf right, and trying to make myself perfect. I can't seem to live with out perfection. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I don't even know where to begin on explaining how I "feel." My boyfriend just told me that if he had what I had he would be able to cope with it how it should be. I got to angry and I wanted to cry. I just don't know what to fucking do anymore. I don't know if how I feel is how I really feel. I don't know much about myself anymore. All I do know is that I'm wasting my life, I'm depressed, and have way too much anxiety. Everyday I want to do something productive, but I never do it. I'm tired. All the time. I really wonder what it's like to be normal.

On a lighter note I got a letter from the Social Security Office about my SSI. I've been to nervous about this. It says "Your disability claim has been medically approved..." They still need a non-medical review to determine if I will be eligible for SSI. If I get this I'm going to have a life. :D :D :D

hmmm

A lot of shit has happened lately. I lost my job. My boyfriend broke up with me AGAIN. We are working on things now. Yesterday was the first day we saw each other in over a week. I wanted to drink cuz I never been to Mardi Gras and didn't go this year. So that was the first time I got drunk since I turned 21 years old. I have been feeling depressed a lot lately. My anxiety has increased causing me to worry about so much. Particularly money. I have my tax return so its not like I don't have any money. I just can't stop thinking about it though.

My OCD has increased too. I have labeled everything there is to be labeled in my room. The only thing I could do is start labeling my belongs. Chair. Computer. Door. Bookshelf. I'm almost considering labeling on my book shelf where the DVDs go and where the books go. I clean my room every half hour. I'm constantly looking for something to purge. I feel like I always have too much stuff. But all my things(that I still have) I love. I feel I have way too many clothes, but every time I look through them I can't seem to find anything to get rid of. I'm so fidgety. Have to be moving some part of my body. Tapping my hand, bouncing my leg, or twitching my foot. It's like I have all this motivation to do stuff but I can't get it out or want to even do anything about it. I want to do something, I don't know what. I'm just so fucking anxious. AAAAhhhhhhh. Here is my closet. A great example of my OCD-ness.

Things I want to do:

- Go tanning. Can't until the warm weather. Can't wait. Got my swim suit ready just need tanning lotion. I live right on a lake with a white sand beach. First time I'll ever tan, so I'm looking forward to it. I got Jergens gradual tan lotion cuz I can't tan quite yet. :D

- Buy the iPad 2. It comes out March 11th at 5pm. I really can't wait for this. I wanted the first one so bad for christmas, but I did some research and decided to wait for this one to come out. This is going to be an excellent companion to my tanning. I haven't decided if I want to order online or go wait in line at a store to get it right away.

- Whiten my teeth. I've never done this either. I got some crest white strips, whitening tooth paste, prewash whitening mouth wash, and I have this Kardashin Smile whitening pen that I got from an online trial. I don't use them all. Half the time I forget to use them at all. I've mainly been using the tooth paste with either the stripes or pen once a day. I've seen a difference already.

- Study, Study, Study. I want to continue studying everyday for my Comptia A+ Certification. I'll prolly get an iBook for the iPad when I get it. More than likely the iPad will be a motivation to read.

- Get a job. I've been applying, but I'm not done yet. Then I need to either visit or call the places I applied. I really hope I get a job at Best Buy Geek Squad, Sephora, or Ulta. Working at an electronics store would be great. Even working apple. Could be fun to be a Genius.

Mmmmmmmm coffee. :D

Just a Day

I spent two and half hours cleaning out my gmail account. I had over 9,000 emails. Sheesh. I don't know what to do with the rest of the day.

Blah

So Eric has been over. I missed him. I really love him, but these fights are no good. I wish we had a stable relationship so we can be serious about our future together. My mom wasn't to happy he was here. It was nice having him here. It was weird. All my depression and anxiety went away as soon as he got here. I was so happy.