I have been more irritable than ever this past week. Every little thing around me is bothering me. My son crying, the DVDs on my book shelf not being on the shelf right, and trying to make myself perfect. I can't seem to live with out perfection. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I don't even know where to begin on explaining how I "feel." My boyfriend just told me that if he had what I had he would be able to cope with it how it should be. I got to angry and I wanted to cry. I just don't know what to fucking do anymore. I don't know if how I feel is how I really feel. I don't know much about myself anymore. All I do know is that I'm wasting my life, I'm depressed, and have way too much anxiety. Everyday I want to do something productive, but I never do it. I'm tired. All the time. I really wonder what it's like to be normal.
On a lighter note I got a letter from the Social Security Office about my SSI. I've been to nervous about this. It says "Your disability claim has been medically approved..." They still need a non-medical review to determine if I will be eligible for SSI. If I get this I'm going to have a life. :D :D :D
Monday, March 7, 2011
Sunday, March 6, 2011
hmmm
A lot of shit has happened lately. I lost my job. My boyfriend broke up with me AGAIN. We are working on things now. Yesterday was the first day we saw each other in over a week. I wanted to drink cuz I never been to Mardi Gras and didn't go this year. So that was the first time I got drunk since I turned 21 years old. I have been feeling depressed a lot lately. My anxiety has increased causing me to worry about so much. Particularly money. I have my tax return so its not like I don't have any money. I just can't stop thinking about it though.
My OCD has increased too. I have labeled everything there is to be labeled in my room. The only thing I could do is start labeling my belongs. Chair. Computer. Door. Bookshelf. I'm almost considering labeling on my book shelf where the DVDs go and where the books go. I clean my room every half hour. I'm constantly looking for something to purge. I feel like I always have too much stuff. But all my things(that I still have) I love. I feel I have way too many clothes, but every time I look through them I can't seem to find anything to get rid of. I'm so fidgety. Have to be moving some part of my body. Tapping my hand, bouncing my leg, or twitching my foot. It's like I have all this motivation to do stuff but I can't get it out or want to even do anything about it. I want to do something, I don't know what. I'm just so fucking anxious. AAAAhhhhhhh. Here is my closet. A great example of my OCD-ness.
Things I want to do:
- Go tanning. Can't until the warm weather. Can't wait. Got my swim suit ready just need tanning lotion. I live right on a lake with a white sand beach. First time I'll ever tan, so I'm looking forward to it. I got Jergens gradual tan lotion cuz I can't tan quite yet. :D
- Buy the iPad 2. It comes out March 11th at 5pm. I really can't wait for this. I wanted the first one so bad for christmas, but I did some research and decided to wait for this one to come out. This is going to be an excellent companion to my tanning. I haven't decided if I want to order online or go wait in line at a store to get it right away.
- Whiten my teeth. I've never done this either. I got some crest white strips, whitening tooth paste, prewash whitening mouth wash, and I have this Kardashin Smile whitening pen that I got from an online trial. I don't use them all. Half the time I forget to use them at all. I've mainly been using the tooth paste with either the stripes or pen once a day. I've seen a difference already.
- Study, Study, Study. I want to continue studying everyday for my Comptia A+ Certification. I'll prolly get an iBook for the iPad when I get it. More than likely the iPad will be a motivation to read.
- Get a job. I've been applying, but I'm not done yet. Then I need to either visit or call the places I applied. I really hope I get a job at Best Buy Geek Squad, Sephora, or Ulta. Working at an electronics store would be great. Even working apple. Could be fun to be a Genius.
Mmmmmmmm coffee. :D
My OCD has increased too. I have labeled everything there is to be labeled in my room. The only thing I could do is start labeling my belongs. Chair. Computer. Door. Bookshelf. I'm almost considering labeling on my book shelf where the DVDs go and where the books go. I clean my room every half hour. I'm constantly looking for something to purge. I feel like I always have too much stuff. But all my things(that I still have) I love. I feel I have way too many clothes, but every time I look through them I can't seem to find anything to get rid of. I'm so fidgety. Have to be moving some part of my body. Tapping my hand, bouncing my leg, or twitching my foot. It's like I have all this motivation to do stuff but I can't get it out or want to even do anything about it. I want to do something, I don't know what. I'm just so fucking anxious. AAAAhhhhhhh. Here is my closet. A great example of my OCD-ness.
Things I want to do:
- Go tanning. Can't until the warm weather. Can't wait. Got my swim suit ready just need tanning lotion. I live right on a lake with a white sand beach. First time I'll ever tan, so I'm looking forward to it. I got Jergens gradual tan lotion cuz I can't tan quite yet. :D
- Buy the iPad 2. It comes out March 11th at 5pm. I really can't wait for this. I wanted the first one so bad for christmas, but I did some research and decided to wait for this one to come out. This is going to be an excellent companion to my tanning. I haven't decided if I want to order online or go wait in line at a store to get it right away.
- Whiten my teeth. I've never done this either. I got some crest white strips, whitening tooth paste, prewash whitening mouth wash, and I have this Kardashin Smile whitening pen that I got from an online trial. I don't use them all. Half the time I forget to use them at all. I've mainly been using the tooth paste with either the stripes or pen once a day. I've seen a difference already.
- Study, Study, Study. I want to continue studying everyday for my Comptia A+ Certification. I'll prolly get an iBook for the iPad when I get it. More than likely the iPad will be a motivation to read.
- Get a job. I've been applying, but I'm not done yet. Then I need to either visit or call the places I applied. I really hope I get a job at Best Buy Geek Squad, Sephora, or Ulta. Working at an electronics store would be great. Even working apple. Could be fun to be a Genius.
Mmmmmmmm coffee. :D
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