Apology

I was lying in bed with terrible anxiety that just would not go away. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack any second. Eric calls me. I let it ring. I'm trying to decide if I wanted to answer it. I was curious what he had to say so I answered it. He asked me how I was. I couldn't believe he asked me that. I asked him why he called. He started to cry and said he wanted to make sure I was ok and hear my voice. My eyes teared up, but he made me bitter. An apology seemed too late. I told him that Chris visited me in the hospital and reminded him that he never visited me that last time I went. He asked if I did anything with Chris. I told him I kissed him. He said he needed to get off the phone. I love him, but he caused a relapse. I wanted to say so many bitter things to him. I wanted to explode. I held it in. I didn't want him doing anything stupid.

I don't know what to do. Two men get mad at me then apologize. I don't want to play eenie meenie minnie moe. I think I'm just gonna play it cool and focus on myself for a while. At least try to.

Let go

My heart is beating faster than ever. I'm trembling. My anxiety keeps rising. I need to cry, but I can't. Betrayed. I wish I had a gun. Why did they discharge me?

I'm Back

I do have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Came back from the hospital today. I was so happy there. When I got home I felt so depressed. Is it weird to want to stay in that kind of environment? In a hospital? It's funny how depression gets us in the hospital, but when we are their we joke, goof off, and laugh our asses off. I LOVE it. I'm actually outgoing there. I guess it's because everyone is crazy like me. No matter what people are coming in for, I always find something that is connected to them. It's like a family. Better than the family I have now. Eating disorders, drugs, depression, bipolar, anger, schizophrenia, family issues, relationship problems, alcohol, you name it, it's there. Yet we all have so much in common. It sounds totally wack, but it's the only place I feel happiness, safety, and peace.

The therapist say that you must remove the negative people around you. Be in a positive environment. At home, all I am is sad.

I don't care what anyone thinks, I wish I could go back.

I drew this while I was there.

Hospital

I slept all day. Cried on and off. I cut up my arm. Something I haven't done in a long time. I'm going to the hospital. For the third time.

Mood Tracker

Because my moods change so often through out the day, I decided to track my moods. I found a mood tracker for the iPhone called Moody Me. It's free. It's pretty nifty.


Mood: content, tired, sad

I'm not Bipolar

So those books I bought I've been reading nonstop. I completely finished the Bipolar Handbook. I get depressed that's for sure. I'm happy sometimes, but I don't think I ever reach a mania. Nothing fits. I have more instability in emotions than anything. The Borderline for Dummies book is really good. It has information on all kinds of disorders. I was going over the symptoms with my mom and a lot of it fits me. Even right down to the abused history and constant rocky relationship. I wanted to know more. So I got on netflix to see what they had. The only thing I found for bipolar is Mr. Jones. I've already seen that one and it's a great movie. The only thing I found for borderline was Girl Interrupted. I've seen that one too, but I never knew that she had BPD. I decided to get on youtube. I was surprised with my findings. I found a lot more videos on BPD than bipolar. A couple of videos touched me so much I cried. I couldn't believe that my feelings were being explain right in front of my face. I'm bringing this up to my psychiatrist. Here are my favorite videos on BPD.

I'm Just a Burden

Im feeling empty. I feel so weird. Not like I normally feel. I can't stop thinking about cutting or overdosing. I told my mom that I thought that I needed to go to the hospital. She asked why and I explained. She said I need to be considerate about how that disrupts their life. If she only knew what it was like. I wanted to yell at her and tell her how I felt, but I couldn't. I simply want to die.

Mixed Signals are Clawing at My Heart

Im confused, angry, sad, so fucking confused.



There's the apology that made me cry. Despite what he said he still won't talk and still doesn't know why. I just want to know what's going on with my baby. I just care...a lot. I'm hurt...a lot too.

What I don't get is that when I had my phone turned off he tried texting me, called, left a voicemail, and left this apology. Sounds like he was trying to get ahold of me. Because he could't get ahold of me he deletes me from facebook. I asked why and he said, "I though you were done with me." Why try so hard to get ahold of me then tell me you don't want to talk!?!? I was already leaving you alone like you asked in the first place! He is toying with my emotions and it's cruel. I'm bipolar, you just don't do that to someone with bipolar!

I had a dream about Eric last night. I dreamt he apologized. He was perfect and he actually talked to me. Too bad I don't know what he said. :(

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

I Can't Believe the Same Thing Happened!

I never said why me and Eric broke up, but now it's relevant.
I'm insecure. Let's just get that out there.

Eric
We went to eat on his lunch break. When we got there I saw this girl who works with Eric there. I asked, "Why is she here?" He said, "I don't know, to eat?" He preceded to tell me how stupid and ridiculous my question was. He was very angry and told me to just take him back to work. He said I was accusing him of doing something. I told him I was just asking him a question. So the argument escalated and he got out of my car and walked all the way back to his work.

Just yesterday the SAME exact scenario happened with Chris.

Chris
He texted me, "I need to get laid." I ask, "Is that why you came over?" He said I was accusing him and that he wasn't going to let someone treat him that way. It was one lengthy text. He said sex means a lot more to him. He was very angry. I said, "I never accused you of anything. I just asked a question. I asked because I'm insecure(something you said you can relate to)." He never said anything to me after that.

I couldn't believe he got that mad. After thinking for a while I realized that this was what happened with Eric. I'm not exactly sure what it means, but I have some ideas.

1. I'm really really insecure
2. My questions are really that horrible
3. Chris was having a bipolar moment
4. Eric has bipolar too

I Say Fuck a Lot

The fact I take medication means that I have accepted that there is something wrong with me. You can call it episodes, depression, phases, or an excuse. Whatever I don't care, but all I know is that I don't like it. I would give anything for these feelings to go away. The medication helps, so I take it. I have learned to control my moods, but it gets so fucking tiring. The medication gives me break and that is such a relief. Call it what you want just give me my meds.

My whole life I thought everything that was happening around me was normal. I was in serious denial. When the question if i was abused came up I neglected to say yes. Sure my dad was the devil sometimes, but he was also really great. I felt like if I said I was abused I would just be exaggerating the situation. Through much needed therapy I have realize and I am not afraid to admit that yes, yes I was abused. Mental abuse is more damaging than physical abuse. So fuck you dad for fucking me up. haha Never said that before. WooHoo!!

Hard Enough

It's fucking hard as it is that I have a fucking disorder, people around me treat me different! No wonder I'm so fucking depressed. It's ruining my life.

Eric apologized to me today. It mad me cry. When I called he seemed perfectly fine even though he said he wasn't. He was going about his day like nothing fazed him. He's a sensitive person, but his emotions are locked up inside him. That's a huge problem for me. It hurts so fucking bad that he can't open up to me. It makes me feel like he can't trust me, that I'm not worthy, like I'm not important enough. It's making me bitter.

I'm in a mania phase right now. At least I think I am. I actually talked to my mom today and it was even about bipolar.

I'm  so mad at Eric, but I also feel so guilty. He has gone through a lot of tough outbursts. I don't know how many times we have broken up. I don't blame him for being upset when I have an episodes. I bet I have hurt him. I know I have.

I think I'm going to do some research on this whole not opening up thing. He has it so deep in the ground, but he hates that I kept digging him with questions. It makes him get so pissed of at me. At the same time I'm upset because all his answers are "I don't know." How can the answer be I don't know? Just stop and think for a second and let yourself find your feelings. FUCK!

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
--Robert Heinlein

Bipolar Education

So today I went to borders and looked at a bunch books on mental disorders. I got two.

Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies (which is so informational on all kinds of mental disorders)
The Bipolar Handbook: Real-Life Questions with Up-to-date Answers

BD is so complex and people don't see that. That's why so many people reject that it's even real. It's not like the fucking Katy Perry song. It's not that simple! When you educate yourself on your disease you can learn to control your emotions much better because you can recognize when you are having an episode or even recognize one could happen and try to prevent it by staying calm. Even though I just want to scream the best thing that works for me is I walk away, clinch my fist(to let that anger and adrenaline out), and count to ten.

It's real, mother fucker!

Bipolar is not something you can just shake off. It's a real full blown mental illness, an incurable disease! Go tell a person with mental retardation to stop being retarded. Tell a person with cerebral palsy to stop moving so much. It's fucking insulting. Because it's impossible.

Empty Space

I'm empty, no direction, no desire to do anything. I'm just taking up space.

I'm sick of it!

I have decided to isolate myself from the world. I wrote a fuck you letter on facebook and turned off my phone. My medication is not working. It seems to be stabilizing my mood, but my depression will not seize. It's been a month now. I feel empty and confused. I don't know what I even want. I feel like I don't even know who I am. It's hard to release an emotional connection with Eric. Chris was over yesterday and we get along great. It's like we have known each other all along. I love the fact I can talk to him about bipolar because he has it too. He makes me laugh. I didn't want him to leave. As soon as he left I cried. I immediately thought about Eric. I wanted him to hold me so bad. I wanted to feel his lips on mine again. It's like he can't be replaced. I'm in love with eric. In all my past relationships I've left them for someone else. Even though Chris likes me and he makes me happy, at the end of the day I just want to be Eric. Im so confused. Me and Eric have so much fun together, but in reality we but heads about everything. I love that he's spontaneous like me, so freaking goofy, always wants to be with me. takes care of me, checks up on me constantly, calls me hunny and sweetheart, and likes video games. We have so much in common, but he doesn't open up to me. I fell like if I actually knew how he felt we have a better understanding of each other. I was his girlfriend. We talked about marriage. He wanted to adopt my son. How can I be in a permanent relationship if I don't really know who he is? He is such an awesome person, but there is something much deeper going on. I open up to him like a book. All he talks about is his truck. When I'm pouring out my heart and soul, is he even listening? He is my fucking world, but BD destroys all the love I want to give him. Love he very much deserves. I'm either so depressed or so busy. I know in my head how I want to show my love, but I can't. It makes so angry that I don't that don't know why I cant. I want to kiss him on the neck, do things for him, rub his back, say sweet nothing in his ear, hold his hand and never let go, tell him how much I really appreciate him, cook for him, really tell him how much I love him, and tell him he's the only one. I only want him to be happy. I want to be the source of my happiness. But something is stopping me and I have to fucking idea why. I want to do these things so bad. God only knows. All I seem to do is make him hate me. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Every time we kiss its so amazing, my heart beats so fast and I want to cry, but we don't do it enough. What the fuck is holding me back? My emotions are so intense in every sense except where I want it. My medication prevents my from intense emotions. Its numbing me, muting my emotions preventing me from being able to feel the emotion of love.