EMDR Thearpy

I haven't felt like writing in a while and I believe it's because I am getting more and more depressed. But I felt like I would like to know about this in the furture. So today I am going to be doing EMDR therapy for the first time. I'm extremely nervous about. I do and don't want to do it. If anyone happens to read this and doesn't know what EMDR is, here is a video:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gZ5MLn1Cc94

If I continue to do this therapy I am going to want to keep a log of how its progressing. I'm going to write it, but I may also video record me talking about it. I don't know yet. 

These past few days have been very tedious on my brain. I keep doing things never wanting to relax. My brain constently feels like it needs to think, think, think, I'm still taking my Adderall so I don't know why I am like this. There is so much that I want to do that I keep up with it. I keep finding new things to do or research and I'm afraid I won't get what I need done actually done. 

My heart has been stolen.

I've noticed I'm starting to get depressed. I feel awful. Each day that passes I'm hating Eric more and more. I have no idea what he is going through, so I can't say he did it to me on purpose. I can't stop thinking about everything else though. I hate him because of how much he hurt me, but I feel so bad that he lets his emotions rule him. Him not wanting to control his anger is what makes me hate him so much. I love him, but I will never be able to love him the way I did before.

I'm beginning to feel I meant nothing to him. He never opened up to me before so what makes me think he will now. Especially since we aren't even together. I just want to forget about him. I'm beginning to feel empty. Like he literally took my heart away from me.

I want out of in-and-out of your life

I guess I finally realized why I was able to wake up everyday not depressed out of my mind. After Eric said it was over I realized that he really didn't love me. That the things he did to me were not acceptable. I was then able to move on because I was losing something that was more bad for me than good.

When he told me on Thanksgiving that his Dad died, I did feel bad, but I also felt like he didn't deserve my love anymore. The only thing was that I did in fact still love him. I just could not stop caring about the emotional pain he would be going through.

He was happy to hear I still cared. I was happy to hear that I was still wanted. I told him I was there for him if he needed anything. From then on things were fine, but he never needed anything. At least not from me anyway. He was with his friend Josh for a while and his family was there to help. Me and Eric should have an even deeper connection, but he never needed me.

He keeps telling me he is afraid he will want to get back together. I can understand that, but why would he tell me about what happened and not expect me to still care about him. He doesn't know if he needs me in his life.

I let my guard down again for him. I did it to be there for him because he came to me. I opened my arms up to him. I am only left unrequited and hurt.

I'm so confused about what to do and how to feel. He is going through a hard time right now. It hurts he can't come to me for comfort and support.

I really should just forget about him. I guess...

Love...defined.

I hate him so much, but I still care about him. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just hate him and forget about his pain and his hurt. He has caused me so much pain, so why should I care about his? The people you love the most are always going to be the ones who hurt you the most. This logic never seemed right to me. If someone you love hurts you the most then why would you love them? Or if they love you why would they hurt you? I learned that it is because they mean so much more to you. It hurts more if he were to say, "I hate you," than it would if a complete stranger said it to me. We put so much value into their words and actions that it has more affect on us. If a stranger walked up to me and said, "I hate you," my reaction would probably be somewhere along the lines of confusion and say, "What the heck?" I may even let out a laugh after it was over. In the end I would move on with my day and have something interesting to post on facebook. It's completely different with a significant other. If he walked up to me and said, "I hate you," I'd still be a little confused, especially if it was random, but bothered no doubt. I would more than likely ask, "Why would you say that?" It hurts when someone you love says hateful words. You put so much time, effort, love, compassion, care, and affection into to that person for them to just turn around and punch you in the face(figuratively speaking). The stranger has no affect on you because you don't know them and they don't know you. Why would you care about what they would have to say? Their opinion holds no value. The example may seem far stretched, but even if it wasn't a stranger. Maybe it was my sister. I still love and care about her, but it's on a completely different level. You can love your mom, your sister, friends, and significant other, but you don't love your mom or sister like you love your significant other. It's just like the saying, "I love you like a brother." The closer someone is to us the more accuracy they have on stabbing our hearts. The more deeper and fatal the wound will be.

Why would I continue to love him, if he is so mean to me? It's because I already fell in love with him in the beginning. He didn't do hurtful things then or else I wouldn't have fallen in love. I fell in love with the good. Just like anyone else the faults(or things we aren't sure other people are going to accept) slowly start to show. Over time while we get to know each other we also unintentionally hurt each other. In the end the person I know now is no longer the person I fell in love with. In my eyes he has changed into another person, but inside I know he still has that good in him. Love, like all emotions, can not be stopped. I can not stop my love for him, but I can attempt to control it. You just can't choose to stop loving someone. Love, real love, will never go away. Because I love him, I am willing to deal with the pain. It's really not fair to fall in love with someone before you even find out how much they are capable of hurting you. Once you love you can't turn back. That's the thing that sucks about love. It's a horrible trap. Most people forget that love is unconditional and forgiving. There is no fine print. No Terms & Conditions you can agree to ahead of time. If you love someone then you love that person no matter what.

Even though he has hurt me so much I still know he is capable of loving me. I've felt his love before. I think that if someone capable of hurting you loves you, then they wouldn't continually do it. The more someone hurts you the more cuts and bruises you get that can only heal over time. If you get hurt too soon, it will only open old wounds. Leaving you with scars. A relationship cannot heal if only one person is doing the mending. It will never work if the other person doesn't help too. I can clean and bandage my wounds, but what good does it do when I keep getting cut open again. I choose to deal with the pain because I love him. I must accept that it is not worth it. If he is unwilling to actually do something to help then my love is being wasted. My time is being wasted. I'm only going to get misery. I will never be able to heal until I stop letting him hurt me. I really shouldn't even talk to him for my sake, but I care about how he is feeling.

I have never stopped loving him. No matter what he has done I have forgiven him. I need to make myself priority and start loving me. What I go through is not good for me. I have to start taking care of myself. I know I do, but I'd feel selfish if I stopped being there for him so I could heal. I know what to do, I know what I want to do, but it feels wrong.

Bad memory or repressed memory?

Initial mood: confused

I can't handle it. I'm remembering things I have no idea why they were forgotten. These past few days I've been learning about my past like it was a book I never read before. I was talking to my sister about trying to come up with a list of traumatic events that have happened in my life. The only thing I knew was that my dad hurt me and my past relationships hurt me, emensely. I just couldn't remember why. Why did I feel that way? Things happened, but why can't I remember anything. My sister said she had no problem remembering things dad did to us. She was spouting off events without a moment to think about the details. Four out of five of them I don't remember happenning. Even things that dad has directly said or done to me, my sister could tell the story better than I could.

I said before that it's hard for me to see the bad in people. Maybe that's why I can't remember. I always knew that despite how bad I felt and depressed I was, I couldn't say I was abused. I felt like it wasn't true. Sure my dad yelled, but claiming someone is an abuser? Again, despite how I felt I didn't think it was bad enough to call it abuse. I remember my sister calling the cops on my dad when we were kids. She never had a problem with identifying it. Why did I? I hated how he yelled and made me feel stupid.

Maybe it's not that I can't see the bad, but that I've always had a tolerance for it. My dad was in my life until I was 17, when I got the guts to not come back from a visit at mom's. For 17 years, maybe while I was still in the womb too, I lived and breathed seeing the way my dad behaved. I can remember being scared to death of him sometimes. No matter how hard I try I can't match that feeling with the causing event. I remember some things happening, but I don't remember how I felt then. My dad threatened me and my sister to spank us with a 2 by 4 of plywood. I can imagine that I would have been scared, but I don't actually remember the feelings at that time.

I grew up seeing and hearing my dad do and say things that terrified me. I must have gotten so used to it that I can't recognize it anymore.

My sister always stood up for me when dad was being mean. For as long as I can remember she has been able to stand up to dad. I always sat still and endured the yelling while I cried. I wish I could have then looked at my dad and tell him to back the fuck off. When he would yell I'd curl up, cover my face with my hair, and try not to listen to the shit he would say. It was torture. Listening to the things he would say made my soul hurt. I always wanted to cover my ears, but I knew if I did something bad would happen. More yelling. Grabbing my arms away from my ears. Who knew? I just didn't want it. I felt stuck because of fear.

I found a box of letters, cards, and notes from friends today. I was organizing it and getting rid of cards from my step mom's side of the family. I found a note from a friend. We were talking about this short story my sister wrote based off a relationship I had. I couldn't remember what it was about. I talked about it in the note, but I can not remember ever reading it. I still have the story so I grabbed it. I saw the title and did confirm that I remembered it was called "HE." I read the whole thing like I never read it before. The story explains how the boyfriend hurt me and drove the sister to murder him for causing me pain. I remember everything that he did, but not the pain I felt. I recall reading the breakup email and crying. I know my journal at that time explains me being angry, hurt, and depressed. I remember laying in bed listening to music until I fell asleep. I've just forgotten the emotions. When I read "HE" I thought the plot to murder him was disproportionate to what he did. At least that is what I think now, but it could have been different at the time. Again, I don't know and it drives me crazy.

The more and more I think about the events my sister described the more and more it begins to ring a bell. I found a card from a Rick and Chris. I picked it up looking at the card and the names multiple times. By the 14th time I finally remembered. "Oh yeah! Rick and Chris! My godparents!" I remembered everything. The card became familiar again and the location where I received it popped in my brain. Then I could see their faces.

While I was going through the notes I received from friends in school, I read a few. I was shocked at how many different people there were and many said, "luv ya," at the end. I don't remember being that "loved" in school. I was such a loner, kept to myself, and hardly spoke to others unless they talked to me first. So how on earth did I get these notes? I even had some from my cousin who expressed how much she loved me and I was the best cousin she had. Even talking about coming over to each others house. When was I ever this close to my cousin?

My biggest question is: Why have I forgotten my whole life?! Maybe my brain is failing. Or just plain FUBAR!

Mood: anxious, excited, tired, worriesome, chilled.

Let it go...

It reminded me of Tesla puppy. It was a small stuffed dog with bunny ears. Eric got it for me for easter because it looked like Tesla. Soon it will be a year since Tesla died. The best dog ever. He was mine. I took him home from the animal shelter.

 I was going through stuff and asking myself if I really wanted to keep it. Part of me does and part of me doesn't. I want to get rid of it because Eric got it for me, but also I want to keep for that reason. I want to keep it because it reminds me of Tesla, but I also want to get rid of it for the same reason too. That's ironic. They are both something that is no longer with me, so it hurts to be reminded of them.

What hurts the most is that Tesla is gone. He was still a puppy although you wouldn't have guessed it by his size. He was a German Shepard - Doberman Pincher mix. My two favorite dogs. He was so playful, well behaved, and sweet. I really miss him. I wanted to keep that dog forever.

Ever since he died, I've been wanting to get another dog. They are such great animals. The problem is I really don't think I could afford another one, especially since I have Desmond. Taking care of a dog on top of a one year old would be hard. The main thing stopping me is my mother. She liked Tesla, but she doesn't want another animal in the house. She has two cats and there is always cat hair EVERYWHERE.

So keep the stuffed animal or get rid of it? You are supposed to let go of something because it causes pain. He was such a good dog. I don't want to forget about him. I guess it has more to do with it looking like Tesla than it being a gift from Eric.

I still have these roses I hung up and dried out that he gave me. I don't want them anymore, but I can't bare to see them getting crumbled in the trash.

Maybe I could take the bunny ears off the dog and just let it remind me of Tesla. But then I would feel bad for cutting up and manipulating a gift that was given to me. I know Eric wouldn't give a rats ass what I did with it. Well, maybe if he found out that I threw it away, he would be upset that I got rid of it. Then again I really don't know what he is feeling about us. When I got my xbox back from him, he seemed mad at me. I left him alone, only texted if I thought I left something with him, but he seems mad at me. I know that we both agreed on what happened that night. It was small and stupid, but it pushed him over the edge. So why would he be mad at me? I should be the one furious with him. I want to be, but I can't. I didn't intentionally do anything, just got my feelings upset. That's not wrong. I need more confidence what I say that.

When he asked me what was wrong that night, he was asking because he was curious not because he cared. He had a pretty good idea what was wrong, but he asked anyway. My therapist said that, "If he didn't want to know the answer then he shouldn't have asked." When she told me that I felt a little better about everything. I keep putting on these glasses that won't let me see the bad in people. I need to realize that when I hurt because of the person Im with it's because they are actually hurting me.

I have realized that someone has been hurting me for a long time. The wounds that my heart has endured will take a long time to heal. I want to cry, but I can't. What is wrong with me? I used to cry all the freaking time!

I'm too tired to think about crying. It's almost 4am and I have to get to my sister's house at a decent time so I can cook. We eat at two, but still. I have to:

1. get me ready
2. get my son ready
3. wrap my grandma's gift
4. find a dish to bake in
5. try not to be OCD and clean my room before I leave
6. get documentary equipment a.k.a. camera

I guess I could always get ready what I can now....like:

1. pick out my clothes
2. pick out Desmond's clothes
3. pack up the diaper bag
4. find the dish
5. sign card and wrap gift
6. charge camera
7. pack everything up next to the door
8. oh yeah, I should probably set an alarm too

I'm tired and I have ALL this crap to do!? seesh goodnight! I hope tomorrow doesn't suck.

What's up with thanksgiving?

I want you out of my mind. I was at walmart with my son and I saw a christmas gift set of the favorite axe you wear. I went from having a smile, enjoying looking at the christmas merchandise, to complete despair. I continued to look around for a gift for my grandma's birthday. A tall black guy walked in my aisle looking, around sort of talking out loud to himself. He started to ask me for advice about a gift for his 15 month old daughter. I thought it was ironic because my son is 15 months old too. I told him that and what my son likes to do. I suggested he go to the toy department because it's organized by age. He started to say how he doesn't really walmart shop. I'm not good with social situations, but I've noticed that I am more eager to talk since I've been taking Adderall. We ended up talking for a while. Thats never happened to me before. Just meeting someone randomly and talking for a great length of time, saying stuff about each other to a complete stranger. Not that its bad, it's just never ever ever happened to me before. I ran into a friend I had in high school. He said hi and I found out that he works there now. I never thought a trip to walmart could be so social. Thats one of the things I don't really get to do...at all. I just wanted yams.

I hope tomorrow doesn't suck. Thanksgiving is at my sister's apartment this year which will be interesting. We always had it at my mom's house. My paternal grandparents are even coming down with my mom being there too. That's never happened. Thanksgiving used to something I looked forward to, but that was before my parents divorced. My dad got remarried and that pretty much destroyed all the traditions we had for thanksgiving and christmas. Every year things got more and more different. New people at the table meant conversations were awkward. Things we always joked about was no longer fun. More people at the table meant no room for me. I didn't want to be at the same table as my step mom anyway. At least I still had my grandmas great cooking. Then when my grandparents moved Thanksgiving was no longer at their house. Strange people, location change, environment change, and now weird food.

I know my grandparents have been around my mom before, but I kind of don't want my mom to be there. I know it's mean to say. I just don't want to see my mom put on that fake personality that she does when there is company.

You can be better than this.

I began to feel depressed. Listening to music, no matter what it is, reminds me of him. We had a lot of the same interest when it came to music. So every time I hear a song I know he likes it reminds me of how he gave up. Both of the Maynard concerts I went to were with him. So its hard for the two to not be related. Every day that goes by makes me want to hate him even more. I feel sorry for him being that way though. He doesn't realize how anger is affecting his life. He let it get rid of me. It hurt me, many times, over and over. He believes that it is him. That the anger is part of his personality, so he doesn't need to change it. He says that I shouldn't make him mad and because I do we aren't meant to be. I've tried to tell him that its not who you are because its only temporary. You're not changing who you are, but trying to get rid of the negativity. I guess he doesn't believe that anger causes problems. It really sucks because he is going to continue to live life this way. If he is happy now thats great, but I don't see how someone can be happy when anger flares up so much. I know because I used to be that way.

I feel like maybe later down the road he will miss me like he always does. At the same time I don't know what I would do if that situation would arise. I want him to apologize, but I don't think I love him anymore. If he died right now...I can't imagine it, but I think I would be upset about it. I should be. I used to love him.

I couldn't love him after this.

I feel like the bad guy, but why?

My heart hurts. That's really all I can say. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like hitting something. I feel squashed. Like a bug. I'm not that depressed. It's a feeling inside the middle of my chest. I feel it more when I breath. It's like I can't fill up my lungs with enough air. I want to breath in so hard and long hoping I can push out whatever feeling this may be. All my feelings are being compacted into a little ball inside me. Below my stomach, but I want it out. My mind won't let me think about the little details. It won't let me replay all the things that hurt so much. I wish I could just focus on it for a little bit because maybe then I could cry and release this suppressed emotions.

I've been working with math, money, and numbers again. I find it gets my brain off of how much I hurt, but at the same time how much I can't feel it. I feel like I should be crying my eyes out. My mind keeps bringing up the thought of how humiliated and degraded he has mad me feel. I guess normally this would hurt a lot more than what I currently feel. The way he talked to me made me realize that he really is a horrible person to me. Maybe I shouldn't say that because no one is perfect. I know I have done really horrible things too. The only difference is that I want to be better than that. Looking back at all the people I have dated in my life, I really must have this filter that doesn't allow me to see the bad in people. I want to believe that people are good hearted, but I must be really naive to have taken this long to learn that people are more focused on themselves. Why is it so hard to be nice? If I had three wishes I would make everyone honest and considerate. I know I'm a nice person, but I really don't think anyone sees that in me. Maybe I'm not nice. Maybe I'm just a selfless passive people pleaser who just can't accept the fact that people can be mean and are mean.

Off Meds?

So I've been wondering if what I am doing it right? Are meds the right thing for me? Do they change who I really am? Making me not happy with not being able to be myself. Or do they just help with my anger and depression? I don't know what I should do. I feel like this is really affecting my relationship. I sometimes wonder if...I wonder too much. Is he the right guy, he makes me laugh, he is good with my son, he pisses me off so bad, has no since of peace whatsoever. I just want peace, love, and happiness. I don't need to look for it because I know exactly where it is. It's being me and being with my son. Does this mean that this relationship has gone bad? I never know these things anymore.

I want to read, study, be creative, take care of me. I feel I can't do anything without the help of others because no one will help me. I need help with fixing my car but my mom only kicks me out.

I stayed on my mood stabilizers. I think thats a good thing....I think. I'm constantly bitchy, and I can't control it. I hate being that way. I just want to be nice, sweet, and loving. Create peace not war. Maybe I have more than one personality. I got a pulp fiction poster AND a hello kitty poster. WTH? I love them both. I am proud of knowing what I like and I like that. But that is a strange combination indeed. I also found an contradicting combination. My iPad has an assassin's creed skin that I made AND a pink smart cover.

I want to lose weight, but I can't stop eating. I eat when I'm not even hungry. We practically have no food whatsoever in this house, but I manage to eat all the time. I eat a lot of peanut butter toast. A LOT!!!

I'm tired, sad, ashamed, worried, conscious, paranoid, and sick of feeling crazy.

I need to go back to my therapist. I'm just gonna straight up stop bullshitting.

I have no words for my emotions

I have been more irritable than ever this past week. Every little thing around me is bothering me. My son crying, the DVDs on my book shelf not being on the shelf right, and trying to make myself perfect. I can't seem to live with out perfection. I have a psychiatrist appointment tomorrow. I don't even know where to begin on explaining how I "feel." My boyfriend just told me that if he had what I had he would be able to cope with it how it should be. I got to angry and I wanted to cry. I just don't know what to fucking do anymore. I don't know if how I feel is how I really feel. I don't know much about myself anymore. All I do know is that I'm wasting my life, I'm depressed, and have way too much anxiety. Everyday I want to do something productive, but I never do it. I'm tired. All the time. I really wonder what it's like to be normal.

On a lighter note I got a letter from the Social Security Office about my SSI. I've been to nervous about this. It says "Your disability claim has been medically approved..." They still need a non-medical review to determine if I will be eligible for SSI. If I get this I'm going to have a life. :D :D :D

hmmm

A lot of shit has happened lately. I lost my job. My boyfriend broke up with me AGAIN. We are working on things now. Yesterday was the first day we saw each other in over a week. I wanted to drink cuz I never been to Mardi Gras and didn't go this year. So that was the first time I got drunk since I turned 21 years old. I have been feeling depressed a lot lately. My anxiety has increased causing me to worry about so much. Particularly money. I have my tax return so its not like I don't have any money. I just can't stop thinking about it though.

My OCD has increased too. I have labeled everything there is to be labeled in my room. The only thing I could do is start labeling my belongs. Chair. Computer. Door. Bookshelf. I'm almost considering labeling on my book shelf where the DVDs go and where the books go. I clean my room every half hour. I'm constantly looking for something to purge. I feel like I always have too much stuff. But all my things(that I still have) I love. I feel I have way too many clothes, but every time I look through them I can't seem to find anything to get rid of. I'm so fidgety. Have to be moving some part of my body. Tapping my hand, bouncing my leg, or twitching my foot. It's like I have all this motivation to do stuff but I can't get it out or want to even do anything about it. I want to do something, I don't know what. I'm just so fucking anxious. AAAAhhhhhhh. Here is my closet. A great example of my OCD-ness.

Things I want to do:

- Go tanning. Can't until the warm weather. Can't wait. Got my swim suit ready just need tanning lotion. I live right on a lake with a white sand beach. First time I'll ever tan, so I'm looking forward to it. I got Jergens gradual tan lotion cuz I can't tan quite yet. :D

- Buy the iPad 2. It comes out March 11th at 5pm. I really can't wait for this. I wanted the first one so bad for christmas, but I did some research and decided to wait for this one to come out. This is going to be an excellent companion to my tanning. I haven't decided if I want to order online or go wait in line at a store to get it right away.

- Whiten my teeth. I've never done this either. I got some crest white strips, whitening tooth paste, prewash whitening mouth wash, and I have this Kardashin Smile whitening pen that I got from an online trial. I don't use them all. Half the time I forget to use them at all. I've mainly been using the tooth paste with either the stripes or pen once a day. I've seen a difference already.

- Study, Study, Study. I want to continue studying everyday for my Comptia A+ Certification. I'll prolly get an iBook for the iPad when I get it. More than likely the iPad will be a motivation to read.

- Get a job. I've been applying, but I'm not done yet. Then I need to either visit or call the places I applied. I really hope I get a job at Best Buy Geek Squad, Sephora, or Ulta. Working at an electronics store would be great. Even working apple. Could be fun to be a Genius.

Mmmmmmmm coffee. :D

Just a Day

I spent two and half hours cleaning out my gmail account. I had over 9,000 emails. Sheesh. I don't know what to do with the rest of the day.

Blah

So Eric has been over. I missed him. I really love him, but these fights are no good. I wish we had a stable relationship so we can be serious about our future together. My mom wasn't to happy he was here. It was nice having him here. It was weird. All my depression and anxiety went away as soon as he got here. I was so happy.

Apology

I was lying in bed with terrible anxiety that just would not go away. I felt like I was going to have a panic attack any second. Eric calls me. I let it ring. I'm trying to decide if I wanted to answer it. I was curious what he had to say so I answered it. He asked me how I was. I couldn't believe he asked me that. I asked him why he called. He started to cry and said he wanted to make sure I was ok and hear my voice. My eyes teared up, but he made me bitter. An apology seemed too late. I told him that Chris visited me in the hospital and reminded him that he never visited me that last time I went. He asked if I did anything with Chris. I told him I kissed him. He said he needed to get off the phone. I love him, but he caused a relapse. I wanted to say so many bitter things to him. I wanted to explode. I held it in. I didn't want him doing anything stupid.

I don't know what to do. Two men get mad at me then apologize. I don't want to play eenie meenie minnie moe. I think I'm just gonna play it cool and focus on myself for a while. At least try to.

Let go

My heart is beating faster than ever. I'm trembling. My anxiety keeps rising. I need to cry, but I can't. Betrayed. I wish I had a gun. Why did they discharge me?

I'm Back

I do have Borderline Personality Disorder.

Came back from the hospital today. I was so happy there. When I got home I felt so depressed. Is it weird to want to stay in that kind of environment? In a hospital? It's funny how depression gets us in the hospital, but when we are their we joke, goof off, and laugh our asses off. I LOVE it. I'm actually outgoing there. I guess it's because everyone is crazy like me. No matter what people are coming in for, I always find something that is connected to them. It's like a family. Better than the family I have now. Eating disorders, drugs, depression, bipolar, anger, schizophrenia, family issues, relationship problems, alcohol, you name it, it's there. Yet we all have so much in common. It sounds totally wack, but it's the only place I feel happiness, safety, and peace.

The therapist say that you must remove the negative people around you. Be in a positive environment. At home, all I am is sad.

I don't care what anyone thinks, I wish I could go back.

I drew this while I was there.

Hospital

I slept all day. Cried on and off. I cut up my arm. Something I haven't done in a long time. I'm going to the hospital. For the third time.

Mood Tracker

Because my moods change so often through out the day, I decided to track my moods. I found a mood tracker for the iPhone called Moody Me. It's free. It's pretty nifty.


Mood: content, tired, sad

I'm not Bipolar

So those books I bought I've been reading nonstop. I completely finished the Bipolar Handbook. I get depressed that's for sure. I'm happy sometimes, but I don't think I ever reach a mania. Nothing fits. I have more instability in emotions than anything. The Borderline for Dummies book is really good. It has information on all kinds of disorders. I was going over the symptoms with my mom and a lot of it fits me. Even right down to the abused history and constant rocky relationship. I wanted to know more. So I got on netflix to see what they had. The only thing I found for bipolar is Mr. Jones. I've already seen that one and it's a great movie. The only thing I found for borderline was Girl Interrupted. I've seen that one too, but I never knew that she had BPD. I decided to get on youtube. I was surprised with my findings. I found a lot more videos on BPD than bipolar. A couple of videos touched me so much I cried. I couldn't believe that my feelings were being explain right in front of my face. I'm bringing this up to my psychiatrist. Here are my favorite videos on BPD.

I'm Just a Burden

Im feeling empty. I feel so weird. Not like I normally feel. I can't stop thinking about cutting or overdosing. I told my mom that I thought that I needed to go to the hospital. She asked why and I explained. She said I need to be considerate about how that disrupts their life. If she only knew what it was like. I wanted to yell at her and tell her how I felt, but I couldn't. I simply want to die.

Mixed Signals are Clawing at My Heart

Im confused, angry, sad, so fucking confused.



There's the apology that made me cry. Despite what he said he still won't talk and still doesn't know why. I just want to know what's going on with my baby. I just care...a lot. I'm hurt...a lot too.

What I don't get is that when I had my phone turned off he tried texting me, called, left a voicemail, and left this apology. Sounds like he was trying to get ahold of me. Because he could't get ahold of me he deletes me from facebook. I asked why and he said, "I though you were done with me." Why try so hard to get ahold of me then tell me you don't want to talk!?!? I was already leaving you alone like you asked in the first place! He is toying with my emotions and it's cruel. I'm bipolar, you just don't do that to someone with bipolar!

I had a dream about Eric last night. I dreamt he apologized. He was perfect and he actually talked to me. Too bad I don't know what he said. :(

aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhh

I Can't Believe the Same Thing Happened!

I never said why me and Eric broke up, but now it's relevant.
I'm insecure. Let's just get that out there.

Eric
We went to eat on his lunch break. When we got there I saw this girl who works with Eric there. I asked, "Why is she here?" He said, "I don't know, to eat?" He preceded to tell me how stupid and ridiculous my question was. He was very angry and told me to just take him back to work. He said I was accusing him of doing something. I told him I was just asking him a question. So the argument escalated and he got out of my car and walked all the way back to his work.

Just yesterday the SAME exact scenario happened with Chris.

Chris
He texted me, "I need to get laid." I ask, "Is that why you came over?" He said I was accusing him and that he wasn't going to let someone treat him that way. It was one lengthy text. He said sex means a lot more to him. He was very angry. I said, "I never accused you of anything. I just asked a question. I asked because I'm insecure(something you said you can relate to)." He never said anything to me after that.

I couldn't believe he got that mad. After thinking for a while I realized that this was what happened with Eric. I'm not exactly sure what it means, but I have some ideas.

1. I'm really really insecure
2. My questions are really that horrible
3. Chris was having a bipolar moment
4. Eric has bipolar too

I Say Fuck a Lot

The fact I take medication means that I have accepted that there is something wrong with me. You can call it episodes, depression, phases, or an excuse. Whatever I don't care, but all I know is that I don't like it. I would give anything for these feelings to go away. The medication helps, so I take it. I have learned to control my moods, but it gets so fucking tiring. The medication gives me break and that is such a relief. Call it what you want just give me my meds.

My whole life I thought everything that was happening around me was normal. I was in serious denial. When the question if i was abused came up I neglected to say yes. Sure my dad was the devil sometimes, but he was also really great. I felt like if I said I was abused I would just be exaggerating the situation. Through much needed therapy I have realize and I am not afraid to admit that yes, yes I was abused. Mental abuse is more damaging than physical abuse. So fuck you dad for fucking me up. haha Never said that before. WooHoo!!

Hard Enough

It's fucking hard as it is that I have a fucking disorder, people around me treat me different! No wonder I'm so fucking depressed. It's ruining my life.

Eric apologized to me today. It mad me cry. When I called he seemed perfectly fine even though he said he wasn't. He was going about his day like nothing fazed him. He's a sensitive person, but his emotions are locked up inside him. That's a huge problem for me. It hurts so fucking bad that he can't open up to me. It makes me feel like he can't trust me, that I'm not worthy, like I'm not important enough. It's making me bitter.

I'm in a mania phase right now. At least I think I am. I actually talked to my mom today and it was even about bipolar.

I'm  so mad at Eric, but I also feel so guilty. He has gone through a lot of tough outbursts. I don't know how many times we have broken up. I don't blame him for being upset when I have an episodes. I bet I have hurt him. I know I have.

I think I'm going to do some research on this whole not opening up thing. He has it so deep in the ground, but he hates that I kept digging him with questions. It makes him get so pissed of at me. At the same time I'm upset because all his answers are "I don't know." How can the answer be I don't know? Just stop and think for a second and let yourself find your feelings. FUCK!

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
--Robert Heinlein

Bipolar Education

So today I went to borders and looked at a bunch books on mental disorders. I got two.

Borderline Personality Disorder for Dummies (which is so informational on all kinds of mental disorders)
The Bipolar Handbook: Real-Life Questions with Up-to-date Answers

BD is so complex and people don't see that. That's why so many people reject that it's even real. It's not like the fucking Katy Perry song. It's not that simple! When you educate yourself on your disease you can learn to control your emotions much better because you can recognize when you are having an episode or even recognize one could happen and try to prevent it by staying calm. Even though I just want to scream the best thing that works for me is I walk away, clinch my fist(to let that anger and adrenaline out), and count to ten.

It's real, mother fucker!

Bipolar is not something you can just shake off. It's a real full blown mental illness, an incurable disease! Go tell a person with mental retardation to stop being retarded. Tell a person with cerebral palsy to stop moving so much. It's fucking insulting. Because it's impossible.

Empty Space

I'm empty, no direction, no desire to do anything. I'm just taking up space.

I'm sick of it!

I have decided to isolate myself from the world. I wrote a fuck you letter on facebook and turned off my phone. My medication is not working. It seems to be stabilizing my mood, but my depression will not seize. It's been a month now. I feel empty and confused. I don't know what I even want. I feel like I don't even know who I am. It's hard to release an emotional connection with Eric. Chris was over yesterday and we get along great. It's like we have known each other all along. I love the fact I can talk to him about bipolar because he has it too. He makes me laugh. I didn't want him to leave. As soon as he left I cried. I immediately thought about Eric. I wanted him to hold me so bad. I wanted to feel his lips on mine again. It's like he can't be replaced. I'm in love with eric. In all my past relationships I've left them for someone else. Even though Chris likes me and he makes me happy, at the end of the day I just want to be Eric. Im so confused. Me and Eric have so much fun together, but in reality we but heads about everything. I love that he's spontaneous like me, so freaking goofy, always wants to be with me. takes care of me, checks up on me constantly, calls me hunny and sweetheart, and likes video games. We have so much in common, but he doesn't open up to me. I fell like if I actually knew how he felt we have a better understanding of each other. I was his girlfriend. We talked about marriage. He wanted to adopt my son. How can I be in a permanent relationship if I don't really know who he is? He is such an awesome person, but there is something much deeper going on. I open up to him like a book. All he talks about is his truck. When I'm pouring out my heart and soul, is he even listening? He is my fucking world, but BD destroys all the love I want to give him. Love he very much deserves. I'm either so depressed or so busy. I know in my head how I want to show my love, but I can't. It makes so angry that I don't that don't know why I cant. I want to kiss him on the neck, do things for him, rub his back, say sweet nothing in his ear, hold his hand and never let go, tell him how much I really appreciate him, cook for him, really tell him how much I love him, and tell him he's the only one. I only want him to be happy. I want to be the source of my happiness. But something is stopping me and I have to fucking idea why. I want to do these things so bad. God only knows. All I seem to do is make him hate me. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Every time we kiss its so amazing, my heart beats so fast and I want to cry, but we don't do it enough. What the fuck is holding me back? My emotions are so intense in every sense except where I want it. My medication prevents my from intense emotions. Its numbing me, muting my emotions preventing me from being able to feel the emotion of love.