My heart hurts. That's really all I can say. I don't feel like crying. I don't feel like hitting something. I feel squashed. Like a bug. I'm not that depressed. It's a feeling inside the middle of my chest. I feel it more when I breath. It's like I can't fill up my lungs with enough air. I want to breath in so hard and long hoping I can push out whatever feeling this may be. All my feelings are being compacted into a little ball inside me. Below my stomach, but I want it out. My mind won't let me think about the little details. It won't let me replay all the things that hurt so much. I wish I could just focus on it for a little bit because maybe then I could cry and release this suppressed emotions.
I've been working with math, money, and numbers again. I find it gets my brain off of how much I hurt, but at the same time how much I can't feel it. I feel like I should be crying my eyes out. My mind keeps bringing up the thought of how humiliated and degraded he has mad me feel. I guess normally this would hurt a lot more than what I currently feel. The way he talked to me made me realize that he really is a horrible person to me. Maybe I shouldn't say that because no one is perfect. I know I have done really horrible things too. The only difference is that I want to be better than that. Looking back at all the people I have dated in my life, I really must have this filter that doesn't allow me to see the bad in people. I want to believe that people are good hearted, but I must be really naive to have taken this long to learn that people are more focused on themselves. Why is it so hard to be nice? If I had three wishes I would make everyone honest and considerate. I know I'm a nice person, but I really don't think anyone sees that in me. Maybe I'm not nice. Maybe I'm just a selfless passive people pleaser who just can't accept the fact that people can be mean and are mean.
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