Love...defined.

I hate him so much, but I still care about him. I wish I didn't care. I wish I could just hate him and forget about his pain and his hurt. He has caused me so much pain, so why should I care about his? The people you love the most are always going to be the ones who hurt you the most. This logic never seemed right to me. If someone you love hurts you the most then why would you love them? Or if they love you why would they hurt you? I learned that it is because they mean so much more to you. It hurts more if he were to say, "I hate you," than it would if a complete stranger said it to me. We put so much value into their words and actions that it has more affect on us. If a stranger walked up to me and said, "I hate you," my reaction would probably be somewhere along the lines of confusion and say, "What the heck?" I may even let out a laugh after it was over. In the end I would move on with my day and have something interesting to post on facebook. It's completely different with a significant other. If he walked up to me and said, "I hate you," I'd still be a little confused, especially if it was random, but bothered no doubt. I would more than likely ask, "Why would you say that?" It hurts when someone you love says hateful words. You put so much time, effort, love, compassion, care, and affection into to that person for them to just turn around and punch you in the face(figuratively speaking). The stranger has no affect on you because you don't know them and they don't know you. Why would you care about what they would have to say? Their opinion holds no value. The example may seem far stretched, but even if it wasn't a stranger. Maybe it was my sister. I still love and care about her, but it's on a completely different level. You can love your mom, your sister, friends, and significant other, but you don't love your mom or sister like you love your significant other. It's just like the saying, "I love you like a brother." The closer someone is to us the more accuracy they have on stabbing our hearts. The more deeper and fatal the wound will be.

Why would I continue to love him, if he is so mean to me? It's because I already fell in love with him in the beginning. He didn't do hurtful things then or else I wouldn't have fallen in love. I fell in love with the good. Just like anyone else the faults(or things we aren't sure other people are going to accept) slowly start to show. Over time while we get to know each other we also unintentionally hurt each other. In the end the person I know now is no longer the person I fell in love with. In my eyes he has changed into another person, but inside I know he still has that good in him. Love, like all emotions, can not be stopped. I can not stop my love for him, but I can attempt to control it. You just can't choose to stop loving someone. Love, real love, will never go away. Because I love him, I am willing to deal with the pain. It's really not fair to fall in love with someone before you even find out how much they are capable of hurting you. Once you love you can't turn back. That's the thing that sucks about love. It's a horrible trap. Most people forget that love is unconditional and forgiving. There is no fine print. No Terms & Conditions you can agree to ahead of time. If you love someone then you love that person no matter what.

Even though he has hurt me so much I still know he is capable of loving me. I've felt his love before. I think that if someone capable of hurting you loves you, then they wouldn't continually do it. The more someone hurts you the more cuts and bruises you get that can only heal over time. If you get hurt too soon, it will only open old wounds. Leaving you with scars. A relationship cannot heal if only one person is doing the mending. It will never work if the other person doesn't help too. I can clean and bandage my wounds, but what good does it do when I keep getting cut open again. I choose to deal with the pain because I love him. I must accept that it is not worth it. If he is unwilling to actually do something to help then my love is being wasted. My time is being wasted. I'm only going to get misery. I will never be able to heal until I stop letting him hurt me. I really shouldn't even talk to him for my sake, but I care about how he is feeling.

I have never stopped loving him. No matter what he has done I have forgiven him. I need to make myself priority and start loving me. What I go through is not good for me. I have to start taking care of myself. I know I do, but I'd feel selfish if I stopped being there for him so I could heal. I know what to do, I know what I want to do, but it feels wrong.