Initial mood: confused
I can't handle it. I'm remembering things I have no idea why they were forgotten. These past few days I've been learning about my past like it was a book I never read before. I was talking to my sister about trying to come up with a list of traumatic events that have happened in my life. The only thing I knew was that my dad hurt me and my past relationships hurt me, emensely. I just couldn't remember why. Why did I feel that way? Things happened, but why can't I remember anything. My sister said she had no problem remembering things dad did to us. She was spouting off events without a moment to think about the details. Four out of five of them I don't remember happenning. Even things that dad has directly said or done to me, my sister could tell the story better than I could.
I said before that it's hard for me to see the bad in people. Maybe that's why I can't remember. I always knew that despite how bad I felt and depressed I was, I couldn't say I was abused. I felt like it wasn't true. Sure my dad yelled, but claiming someone is an abuser? Again, despite how I felt I didn't think it was bad enough to call it abuse. I remember my sister calling the cops on my dad when we were kids. She never had a problem with identifying it. Why did I? I hated how he yelled and made me feel stupid.
Maybe it's not that I can't see the bad, but that I've always had a tolerance for it. My dad was in my life until I was 17, when I got the guts to not come back from a visit at mom's. For 17 years, maybe while I was still in the womb too, I lived and breathed seeing the way my dad behaved. I can remember being scared to death of him sometimes. No matter how hard I try I can't match that feeling with the causing event. I remember some things happening, but I don't remember how I felt then. My dad threatened me and my sister to spank us with a 2 by 4 of plywood. I can imagine that I would have been scared, but I don't actually remember the feelings at that time.
I grew up seeing and hearing my dad do and say things that terrified me. I must have gotten so used to it that I can't recognize it anymore.
My sister always stood up for me when dad was being mean. For as long as I can remember she has been able to stand up to dad. I always sat still and endured the yelling while I cried. I wish I could have then looked at my dad and tell him to back the fuck off. When he would yell I'd curl up, cover my face with my hair, and try not to listen to the shit he would say. It was torture. Listening to the things he would say made my soul hurt. I always wanted to cover my ears, but I knew if I did something bad would happen. More yelling. Grabbing my arms away from my ears. Who knew? I just didn't want it. I felt stuck because of fear.
I found a box of letters, cards, and notes from friends today. I was organizing it and getting rid of cards from my step mom's side of the family. I found a note from a friend. We were talking about this short story my sister wrote based off a relationship I had. I couldn't remember what it was about. I talked about it in the note, but I can not remember ever reading it. I still have the story so I grabbed it. I saw the title and did confirm that I remembered it was called "HE." I read the whole thing like I never read it before. The story explains how the boyfriend hurt me and drove the sister to murder him for causing me pain. I remember everything that he did, but not the pain I felt. I recall reading the breakup email and crying. I know my journal at that time explains me being angry, hurt, and depressed. I remember laying in bed listening to music until I fell asleep. I've just forgotten the emotions. When I read "HE" I thought the plot to murder him was disproportionate to what he did. At least that is what I think now, but it could have been different at the time. Again, I don't know and it drives me crazy.
The more and more I think about the events my sister described the more and more it begins to ring a bell. I found a card from a Rick and Chris. I picked it up looking at the card and the names multiple times. By the 14th time I finally remembered. "Oh yeah! Rick and Chris! My godparents!" I remembered everything. The card became familiar again and the location where I received it popped in my brain. Then I could see their faces.
While I was going through the notes I received from friends in school, I read a few. I was shocked at how many different people there were and many said, "luv ya," at the end. I don't remember being that "loved" in school. I was such a loner, kept to myself, and hardly spoke to others unless they talked to me first. So how on earth did I get these notes? I even had some from my cousin who expressed how much she loved me and I was the best cousin she had. Even talking about coming over to each others house. When was I ever this close to my cousin?
My biggest question is: Why have I forgotten my whole life?! Maybe my brain is failing. Or just plain FUBAR!
Mood: anxious, excited, tired, worriesome, chilled.
No comments:
Post a Comment