It reminded me of Tesla puppy. It was a small stuffed dog with bunny ears. Eric got it for me for easter because it looked like Tesla. Soon it will be a year since Tesla died. The best dog ever. He was mine. I took him home from the animal shelter.
I was going through stuff and asking myself if I really wanted to keep it. Part of me does and part of me doesn't. I want to get rid of it because Eric got it for me, but also I want to keep for that reason. I want to keep it because it reminds me of Tesla, but I also want to get rid of it for the same reason too. That's ironic. They are both something that is no longer with me, so it hurts to be reminded of them.
What hurts the most is that Tesla is gone. He was still a puppy although you wouldn't have guessed it by his size. He was a German Shepard - Doberman Pincher mix. My two favorite dogs. He was so playful, well behaved, and sweet. I really miss him. I wanted to keep that dog forever.
Ever since he died, I've been wanting to get another dog. They are such great animals. The problem is I really don't think I could afford another one, especially since I have Desmond. Taking care of a dog on top of a one year old would be hard. The main thing stopping me is my mother. She liked Tesla, but she doesn't want another animal in the house. She has two cats and there is always cat hair EVERYWHERE.
So keep the stuffed animal or get rid of it? You are supposed to let go of something because it causes pain. He was such a good dog. I don't want to forget about him. I guess it has more to do with it looking like Tesla than it being a gift from Eric.
I still have these roses I hung up and dried out that he gave me. I don't want them anymore, but I can't bare to see them getting crumbled in the trash.
Maybe I could take the bunny ears off the dog and just let it remind me of Tesla. But then I would feel bad for cutting up and manipulating a gift that was given to me. I know Eric wouldn't give a rats ass what I did with it. Well, maybe if he found out that I threw it away, he would be upset that I got rid of it. Then again I really don't know what he is feeling about us. When I got my xbox back from him, he seemed mad at me. I left him alone, only texted if I thought I left something with him, but he seems mad at me. I know that we both agreed on what happened that night. It was small and stupid, but it pushed him over the edge. So why would he be mad at me? I should be the one furious with him. I want to be, but I can't. I didn't intentionally do anything, just got my feelings upset. That's not wrong. I need more confidence what I say that.
When he asked me what was wrong that night, he was asking because he was curious not because he cared. He had a pretty good idea what was wrong, but he asked anyway. My therapist said that, "If he didn't want to know the answer then he shouldn't have asked." When she told me that I felt a little better about everything. I keep putting on these glasses that won't let me see the bad in people. I need to realize that when I hurt because of the person Im with it's because they are actually hurting me.
I have realized that someone has been hurting me for a long time. The wounds that my heart has endured will take a long time to heal. I want to cry, but I can't. What is wrong with me? I used to cry all the freaking time!
I'm too tired to think about crying. It's almost 4am and I have to get to my sister's house at a decent time so I can cook. We eat at two, but still. I have to:
1. get me ready
2. get my son ready
3. wrap my grandma's gift
4. find a dish to bake in
5. try not to be OCD and clean my room before I leave
6. get documentary equipment a.k.a. camera
I guess I could always get ready what I can now....like:
1. pick out my clothes
2. pick out Desmond's clothes
3. pack up the diaper bag
4. find the dish
5. sign card and wrap gift
6. charge camera
7. pack everything up next to the door
8. oh yeah, I should probably set an alarm too
I'm tired and I have ALL this crap to do!? seesh goodnight! I hope tomorrow doesn't suck.
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