I'm sick of it!

I have decided to isolate myself from the world. I wrote a fuck you letter on facebook and turned off my phone. My medication is not working. It seems to be stabilizing my mood, but my depression will not seize. It's been a month now. I feel empty and confused. I don't know what I even want. I feel like I don't even know who I am. It's hard to release an emotional connection with Eric. Chris was over yesterday and we get along great. It's like we have known each other all along. I love the fact I can talk to him about bipolar because he has it too. He makes me laugh. I didn't want him to leave. As soon as he left I cried. I immediately thought about Eric. I wanted him to hold me so bad. I wanted to feel his lips on mine again. It's like he can't be replaced. I'm in love with eric. In all my past relationships I've left them for someone else. Even though Chris likes me and he makes me happy, at the end of the day I just want to be Eric. Im so confused. Me and Eric have so much fun together, but in reality we but heads about everything. I love that he's spontaneous like me, so freaking goofy, always wants to be with me. takes care of me, checks up on me constantly, calls me hunny and sweetheart, and likes video games. We have so much in common, but he doesn't open up to me. I fell like if I actually knew how he felt we have a better understanding of each other. I was his girlfriend. We talked about marriage. He wanted to adopt my son. How can I be in a permanent relationship if I don't really know who he is? He is such an awesome person, but there is something much deeper going on. I open up to him like a book. All he talks about is his truck. When I'm pouring out my heart and soul, is he even listening? He is my fucking world, but BD destroys all the love I want to give him. Love he very much deserves. I'm either so depressed or so busy. I know in my head how I want to show my love, but I can't. It makes so angry that I don't that don't know why I cant. I want to kiss him on the neck, do things for him, rub his back, say sweet nothing in his ear, hold his hand and never let go, tell him how much I really appreciate him, cook for him, really tell him how much I love him, and tell him he's the only one. I only want him to be happy. I want to be the source of my happiness. But something is stopping me and I have to fucking idea why. I want to do these things so bad. God only knows. All I seem to do is make him hate me. What the fuck is wrong with me?! Every time we kiss its so amazing, my heart beats so fast and I want to cry, but we don't do it enough. What the fuck is holding me back? My emotions are so intense in every sense except where I want it. My medication prevents my from intense emotions. Its numbing me, muting my emotions preventing me from being able to feel the emotion of love.