Hard Enough

It's fucking hard as it is that I have a fucking disorder, people around me treat me different! No wonder I'm so fucking depressed. It's ruining my life.

Eric apologized to me today. It mad me cry. When I called he seemed perfectly fine even though he said he wasn't. He was going about his day like nothing fazed him. He's a sensitive person, but his emotions are locked up inside him. That's a huge problem for me. It hurts so fucking bad that he can't open up to me. It makes me feel like he can't trust me, that I'm not worthy, like I'm not important enough. It's making me bitter.

I'm in a mania phase right now. At least I think I am. I actually talked to my mom today and it was even about bipolar.

I'm  so mad at Eric, but I also feel so guilty. He has gone through a lot of tough outbursts. I don't know how many times we have broken up. I don't blame him for being upset when I have an episodes. I bet I have hurt him. I know I have.

I think I'm going to do some research on this whole not opening up thing. He has it so deep in the ground, but he hates that I kept digging him with questions. It makes him get so pissed of at me. At the same time I'm upset because all his answers are "I don't know." How can the answer be I don't know? Just stop and think for a second and let yourself find your feelings. FUCK!

"Love is that condition in which the happiness of another person is essential to your own."
--Robert Heinlein